What Swiss Cheese has taught me about Forgiving Myself and Others

We all make mistakes, we all stuff up. The feelings of regret, shame, maybe even guilt can plague and loom over us like a dark cloud.
How do we learn to come out from that cloud?
We need to eat more Swiss cheese!

Ok, now I don’t want you to go off and gorge yourself on Swiss Cheese thinking it will magically remove all the woes and cares you have. It might actually add a few more pounds of them!

I want you to ponder on Swiss Cheese. The one, just like us, with all the holes in it.

What I am talking about is the Swiss Cheese Model of Human Error. This is a model that is used to understand how the weaknesses in our layers of protection can lead to some serious mistakes happening.

Just imagine you have a block of Swiss Cheese.

You slice it into thin layers. Now if you wanted to, you could line up the layers of cheese so that you could pass a pencil through the holes. You just have to have the slices lined up in the right way.

The Swiss Cheese Model was developed by James Reason (what a great name) to describe how you create many different layers to stop serious errors occurring. Each layer or slice of cheese has a hole in it, a weakness. No system of prevention is perfect. 

So you create other layers of defence to stop errors occurring, but all the layers have potential weaknesses and holes. When all the holes line up then an error will occur.

How does this help with forgiveness?

Well, take a serious look over a mistake you have made, maybe get a friend to help you with this who can be objective about it all.

Take a look at all the things that led up to the mistake happening.

Often it will be a combination of holes aligning to let that error through. Some of the holes may not have been anything to do with you. It may have been the responsibility of someone else. All that you can be responsible for is what you did, your layer.

Ok, here is an example.

A road worker dies when a car hits him on the side of the road. You were the one driving the car. This memory haunts you day and night.

An investigation is done of the accident. The investigation looks at all the factors of the crash. They go through every layer of protection that was there to protect this man from being hit.

They discover that all the signs were not put out warning you of road works being ahead. They discover that the road was wet and it was dark making it difficult for you to see. They discover that your brakes were slightly faulty and that the mechanic who just checked them over wasn’t qualified to do so. They discover that your car hit a nail just as you came around the bend towards the road works. The list goes on and on of discovering layers of protection that had holes in them, but when they all lined up then catastrophe was inevitable.

Who or what was to blame for his death. It was a combination of faults.

After the investigation is complete there are new rules made about signage for road works, mechanic training, etc.

How does this help with self forgiveness?

I think its vitally important to analyse out those big mistakes you may have made. Look for all the layers that could have prevented it from happening.

We can't go back and change things, we can only go forward with new learning's.

Experience is not the best teacher;evaluated experience is the best teacher.
John Maxwell

Forgive yourself for your part in the error. Forgive others for their part in the error. Allow God to reveal to you that no human system is perfect. Be forgiving.

Learn to let it go.
How does understanding that there are multiple reasons for mistakes, help you?
Is it easier to ‘let it go’ when you don’t have to carry as much of a load? Why?

Share your thoughts by leaving a comment.

Barry Pearman

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Do you want to get well?

It was another dreary old day lying by the pool with all the other beggars. Hundreds of them.

I had been there for 38 years. This was a special pool, reputed to have special powers so that if the waters stirred and if you got into the water then you would be healed.

Nearby is a pagan shrine built to Serapis, the greek god of healing.A pagan idol in the Holy City, surprising isn't it.

Then I saw him coming through the courtyard with his band of followers. His eyes met mine and he walked over.

Looking down he said

"Do you want to get well?"

Well duh! I had been sitting there waiting and waiting to be healed. It was my profession. So I seized the opportunity, perhaps this man will take pity on me if I tell him my PLOM (Poor Little Old Me) story. I had used these lines many times and people felt sorry for me and threw a few coins.

So the auto tape started playing.

"Sir, when the water is stirred, I don't have anybody to put me in the pool. By the time I get there, somebody else is already in."

I could have just said ‘yes, I want to be healed’ but I didn't.

No coins appeared from this man, no bread, no meat, just his strong authoritative voice.

"Get up, take your bedroll, start walking." John 5:8

Then I felt my legs start to move. I was able to kneel, then with the help of some onlookers I was able to stand and start walking. Yes, I was walking, truly I was walking.

So I did what the man told me to do, and I picked up my bedroll and walked off.

Look I don't know how all this came to be. I found out later this mans name was Jesus and he was in a lot of trouble with the dream police – The Pharisees.

Through this whole change I learnt an incredible lesson.

Your thinking needs to be challenged to be changed.

Jesus comes and asks this question to all of us.

Do you want to change?

For me, Jesus asked it in the terms of my physical illness and getting well. However, I have met many people who are quite happy to stay in their own little pity party. Jesus asked the challenging question and I just went to PLOM auto response. I had played that response over and over again to anybody who would listen. It had become a deeply rutted groove of my thinking. With this pattern of thinking I had noticed that I didn't have many friends, only others who had a perfect PLOM in their mouth too. Sympathetic listeners finished up exhausted and left me even further alone within my pity party.

Jesus was different. He asked the tough empowering question. When he told me to get up I had a split second to make a decision. I could have said ‘No, I want to stay here, I am comfortable here’, but I decided to take a risk and try.

Perhaps my crippled thinking was part of my crippled body.

 

What are the effects of having a PLOM in your mouth?

How do gently challenge  a person in a pity party?

Comment below.

Barry Pearman

Image by Angelina :) Creative Commons Flickr

Pruned, Trained and Ready for Fruit. 7 Pruning Points for Soul Change

August is early spring here in New Zealand. Daffodils are blooming down the edges of the driveway, days are just starting to get longer, and maybe warmer.

Looking out the window I see fruit trees that I planted 10 years ago. The leaves haven't started pushing out of the apple trees yet so I can see the structure of branches laid out ready for flowers, bees and fruit.

I reflect to the time when I planted the trees. Small, thin and vulnerable the branches were trimmed, tied and trained to form a sturdy little structure.

Each year those same branches have grown thicker and stronger. Smaller branches have formed off these arms. 

The Bible says this

Start children off on the way they should go,
and even when they are old they will not turn from it. Proverbs 22:6

God uses many different ways to speak to us. Nature is but one of them. Jesus used many different metaphors from nature to guide his followers.

I look at my fruit trees and reflect that they are a lot like children. I have trained those children branches into a shape and place that I want for the future.

We all have ways of thinking. Ways of looking at situations we come across in our daily life. One person may view a situation in one way, while another person might see it in another way. One person might see things with pessimism while another sees them with optimism.

How have we developed these solid trunk like ways of thinking?

Who or what has trained them, and if we don’t like them then what do we do?

How do we retrain the thinking trunks of our lives?

1. Become vulnerable and exposed. Many of my fruit trees have no leaves on them. Naked, they are so much easier to prune than the evergreen citrus. I can see the structure underneath. We don't like to be exposed, to be vulnerable and honest about what is deeply going on inside, but there are seasons where we need to be.

2. Invite the Gardener to come and prune. We need to be vulnerable to some one safe. They will stand back, look, observe and then gently consider what most needs attention. God comes into our garden. He enjoys gardens, even those that are overrun with weeds and brambles. Knowing us better than we do ourselves, God starts to trim. 

3. Accept this will take time. Pruning takes time. The larger the branch the more effort required. Some of the largest branches have been laid down since childhood.

4. Be ready for pain. Facing ourselves and our foolishness can be very painful and humbling. Tears may flow from the cuts made. Its ok, because new growth is coming.

5. Be ready for new growth in new places. Spring emerges from the cold. A bud forms, swells, shoots out a leaf, then two, three. A new way of thinking appears. It is still vulnerable and can easily be knocked off. We nurture this new way of looking at life. It feels fresh, but also scary. We ask God to train this new growth to go the way he wants it to go.

6. Be ready for fruit. The outworking of this new way of thinking is fruit. Out of our very being something is released that we were not even aware of. People notice the change. They are drawn to the new you. You see that the pain was worth it.

7. You prepare yourself for another winter. Seasons cycle around. There will be another winter, another time of exposure. Perhaps in the next winter the pruning won’t need to be so harsh, or maybe we just leave that up to the wisdom of the one who created all things. Perhaps God knows best.

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal Ecclesiastes 3:1-3 

What has your experience of change been like ? Has it followed a similar pattern to what I have described? Share a comment below.

Barry Pearman

Image by London Permaculture Creative Commons Flickr

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Not Worthless

 

 

Not Worthless

 

You are not worthless.

Even if you’ve been called

That your entire life.

  

Dad screaming,

Mom locking you in a closet,

Friends whispering behind your back.

 

“There she is,”

“What a piece of garbage,”

“Somebody throw her away.”  

But you are not worthless.

 

You are beautiful,

Intelligent,

And strong.

 

You will live and laugh,

Love and dream,

Work and accomplish.

 

You will find joy,

And peace,

And live out your dreams.  

 

Because you are not worthless.

Kevin Walker

You can read more of Kevin’s work at his Blog or by purchasing his book These Moments Pass

Barry Pearman

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Dirt + Spit = Mud and 6 Things to Learn about Healing

It was just a normal sort of a day.

I was out on the street listening to every one passing by. Right from birth I had been blind, but I could really hear, smell and taste. Touch was powerful for me too, yet nobody really wanted to touch me, I was, in a sense, touch deprived.

Then I heard a noise coming up the street. People, lots of them, noise. I could names being said, ‘Jesus’. Theological arguments being thrown at him. Was this the one that I had heard many talking about? I could smell the dust being stirred up.

Someone was looking at me, I could feel it.

A voice speaks.

"Rabbi, who sinned: this man or his parents, causing him to be born blind?"

I had carried the burden of this question all my life. Surely it must be some ones fault that I am like the way I am. Guilt trips, blame games, and the stones of shame had been thrown at my parents, and myself.

Then I hear a new voice, one of authority and power.

“Neither this man nor his parents sinned”

What!!! I had always thought it had to be related to something I had done, or my parents had done. Wow, then I suppose I am blind because …

Jesus spoke again.

"You're asking the wrong question. You're looking for someone to blame. There is no such cause-effect here. Look instead for what God can do. We need to be energetically at work for the One who sent me here, working while the sun shines. When night falls, the workday is over. For as long as I am in the world, there is plenty of light. I am the world's Light." John 9:3-5 (The Message)

Then a sound reached my ears of some one spitting! I could hear the people take a gasp, step back, and mutter amongst themselves.

Then I felt it on my eyes. Dirt, spittle mixed together to make mud. He, Jesus, gently smeared it over my eyes. I could feel it getting right into the corners. The mud was sticky and warm, gritty but also strangely smooth and soft.

Jesus then told me to go and wash it off in the Pool of Siloam. Well I staggered off feeling my way, asking others for help, stumbling every now and then.

There was a tingling feeling happening under the eye lids. It wasn't painful, you just knew that something was happening.

It was a long walk but eventually I got there. I reached down to the cool water and began to wash the mud off. Suddenly I realised that I was seeing things, people, water, the walls of the dark grotto. There wasn't much light in this place which was good for my new eyes to adjust to. Never the less I could see, I could see, I could see!

People just could not believe that I had received my sight.

Some just didn't want to believe. You can read the rest of the story in John 9.  

I really caused a stir with those religious rule makers! Ha!

Here are some things I want you to take from this story.

1. Jesus deliberately made sure that everyone knew that the illness wasn't related to my sin. We all want to find excuses or reasons for suffering. We must however remember that we live in a dusty world where sickness and illness are just part of it’s fallen state. Stop, please stop, dumping guilt on those who are unwell. Stop making quick diagnoses without wisdom to discern the real needs of the person. 

2. You don't have to deal with a person’s spiritual state of sinfulness before healing the physical state. There is no fixed formula. God does not demand repentance before he is interested in the person. God is in love with everyone in whatever spiritual state they are.

3. Consider the needs of the person. If you are praying for healing for people with sensory needs such as blindness or deafness make sure you do it in a place which is quiet or has dim lighting. A public place or out in broad daylight is just not the place for this. This is wise and caring. Jesus really knew my needs. He wasn’t interested in the applause of the crowd on the auditorium of the street.

4. Healing can come through very unconventional methods. Who would have thought a mud pack made from dirt and spit would have been part of a healing process. Jesus knew what was needed. Perhaps the mud was there to stop the bright light getting at my eyes. Perhaps there was something chemically in the mud that stimulated the healing. I don't know what it was, but it worked!

5. Healing can take a length of time and faith to happen. It took me quite some time to get that pool. I didn't know what would be the result, but I went by blind faith (pun intended) and I received sight. Light dispersed darkness.  

6. Get your hands dirty! We must not wait until we have understood all the mysteries of suffering before we get on with the work of what God has called us to do.  

As I reflect on this story and it’s role with the healing of Mental Illness there is much to learn.

• Healing can take a period of time. We all want the instantaneous, but often I have found that with the brain that it takes to heal, to learn new ways of thinking. For an instant healing it would possibly mean a complete change of the brain. Too painful, too much change, too much to learn or unlearn. God is gracious and knows what we can handle.
• Physical elements such as medication can have a role just as much as the mud pack had a role in this story. Too many times I have heard people just want a magic miracle pill where as they actually need a medical pill to allow a miracle to occur. 
• Healing is not about the healer. Rather it is about the one with the need, and the God who knows their name. We don’t have to have hype, music, bright lights etc. Jesus wants us to be super sensitive to the needs of those he loves.
• Pray anyway. We don’t have to understand all the components of an illness before we can pray. God knows more than any psychiatrist! We call on Jesus to be the great healer.
• Mental Illness is part of a fallen world. We are dust, imperfect and prone to illness.

 I love this story. There is so much to glean about Jesus and his compassion.

Just imagine you are that blind man. Close your eyes, then feel that wet sticky mud being smeared into your eyes. Reflect back in the comments section below your response.

Barry Pearman

Image by ViaMoi Creative commons Flickr   

This is part of a series where I am exploring the various stories of healing found in the New Testament. I am gleaning many of my ideas from Jesus’ Healing Works and Ours by Ian Cowie

 

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Passing By

 Passing By

I pass her by everyday.
Tired eyes
And a weary smile
Are her only adornments.
She looks toward me,
But, quickly, I turn the other direction.
I speed the pace of my walk,
Ignoring her cries for help, and
Her pleas for mercy.
"She deserves this," I tell myself.
"She brought this fate upon herself."
Suddenly, I hear a voice from heaven say:
"The Kingdom belongs to such as these."

Kevin Walker

You can read more of Kevin’s work at his Blog or by purchasing his book These Moments Pass

Barry Pearman

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7 Reasons Why & 1 Reason Why not … to Cry

I cry.

My emotions sometimes just overwhelm me and I can feel the tap being slowly turned on. 

At times I am able to pull them back, but at other times their is no holding back. I have learnt that tears are good and not to be feared.

 
I listen to people and often hear their pain. Compassion, a ‘suffering with’, brings me to a place of connection with their story. At times I express my story, my pain, and tears roll down.

Tears also form in other situations. I laugh so much at times that tears well up. In February my daughter is getting married. I will walk her down the aisle and tears will accompany us. Hmm.

7 reasons why it’s ok to cry.

1. God created tears and said it was good Genesis 1. God created tears not just for an expression of inner feelings but also for some very important health reasons such as lubricating our eyeballs, killing bacteria, removing toxins and to release healing hormones.

2. God hears our crying and sees our tears Genesis 21:17; Isaiah 38:5. I am not alone in my tears. God sees them, they move Gods heart. For me knowing God is with me in my emotions brings a new sense of connectedness. Jesus called the Holy Spirit the Comforter.

3. The Psalmists cried Psalm 6:6 Psalm 42:3. Real biblical characters, the heroes of our faith weren't stoic tough unfeeling macho men. They wrote about tears being their ‘food day and night’. I don't have to be something I was never meant to be. As I cry and I cry with others.

4. Jesus cried John 11:35. Here is Jesus, expressing another aspect of his humanity. He cried, he wept, he mourned. I walk in his footprints when my eyes glisten over.

5. It can be an act of worship and love. Luke 7:37-48. This is a beautiful story. In the presence of Jesus a woman comes and washes Jesus with her tears of love. She knew who he was, her tears said it all.

6. Tears help express a feeling and bring a healing emotional release. Crying is cathartic, it brings a release of emotions and tensions built up. Often all you need at times is a good cry.

7. Tears acknowledge your a human and not a robot. Some people don't want to appear vulnerable, to acknowledge they are human, to express feelings. They lock their feelings behind iron clad doors never allowing anyone or anything to break through. They desire to be robots, feeling nothing only to be functional. Tears mean they are vulnerable. Perhaps they have been punished for crying.

Tears are not a sigh of weakness, they are a sign of strength.

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love. Washington Irving

One reason why it is not ok to cry.

1. When the tears are superficial and not sincere. The expression ‘Crocodile Tears’ originates from an ancient story that crocodiles weep in order to lure their prey, or that they cry for the victims they are eating, nice! It is not ok to cry in order to manipulate or garner a response from someone else.

Be honest, be truthful. 

Crying Crocodile tears may just tarnish those who shed genuine tears and stifle the ability for them to receive compassion. 

Don't misuse a beautiful gift from God.

Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. I was better after I had cried, than before--more sorry, more aware of my own ingratitude, more gentle. Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

Leave a comment and share this post 

• What other reasons are there for crying, good and bad? 
• How comfortable are you with tears, yours and those of others? 

Barry Pearman

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Why you need a ‘Big Person’ to help you with the Paralysis of Guilt

He rang me and made an appointment to see me straight away. 

When he came I closed the office door and waited to hear what he had to say. Perhaps it was cancer or some other illness. 
He sat down and with a stumbling voice he said that he had something he wanted to tell me, to confess to me. He had got a speeding ticket and wanted me to pray for him, he was feeling guilty and anxious.

He wanted me to provide Absolution.

Absolution is a wonderful gift that can be given to people who are wracked with the sense of guilt and shame. 

You can look up a wiki link here, but for me as a protestant pastor it was a simple case of listening to the penitent sinner and reaffirming that when we confess our sins Christ will forgive our sins and cleanse us (1 John 1:9). 

It is an acknowledgement of our need to come back to Christ, receive his love gift and experience his cleansing.

We all need a ‘Big Person’ in our lives. A ‘Big Person’ is not necessarily a large person, but is someone who has two qualities.

1. Mana - This Maori word is defined in English as authority, control, influence, prestige or power. It is also honour.

There are three types of Mana.

Mana a person is born with, as part of heritage e.g. the chief of the tribe passes it on to his children because they are his children.
Mana that the people give you. This is the recognition that people give for your deeds and actions.
Group Mana. This is the mana that a group has, for example the mana of a marae (meeting place).

2. Safe - They are not going to spread your story around and gossip. They are people who will treat you with dignity and humbleness, because they in themselves have become aware of their own needs. They show compassion and love to you regardless of what you say to them. Their arms are open to receive the gift of yourself.

I was recently reading this story of Jesus where he, in a sense, provided absolution for a young paralysed boy.

When he returned to Capernaum after some days, it was reported that he was at home. So many gathered around that there was no longer room for them, not even in front of the door; and he was speaking the word to them. Then some people came, bringing to him a paralysed man, carried by four of them. And when they could not bring him to Jesus because of the crowd, they removed the roof above him; and after having dug through it, they let down the mat on which the paralytic lay.When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, ‘Son, your sins are forgiven.’
Now some of the scribes were sitting there, questioning in their hearts, ‘Why does this fellow speak in this way? It is blasphemy! Who can forgive sins but God alone?’

At once Jesus perceived in his spirit that they were discussing these questions among themselves; and he said to them, ‘Why do you raise such questions in your hearts? Which is easier, to say to the paralytic, “Your sins are forgiven”, or to say, “Stand up and take your mat and walk”? But so that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins’—he said to the paralytic— ‘I say to you, stand up, take your mat and go to your home.’ And he stood up, and immediately took the mat and went out before all of them; so that they were all amazed and glorified God, saying, ‘We have never seen anything like this!’ Mark 2:1-12; Matthew 9:1-8; Luke 5:17-26

For Jesus this boys eternal spiritual well being was just as, or even more important, than his temporary physical wellbeing.

Jesus didn't look at this boy and deal with the obvious first. He went for some thing of greater eternal importance, his sinful condition. ‘Son, your sins are forgiven.’ Jesus was more concerned about this boys feelings of guilt. Perhaps his feelings of guilt were one aspect of his physical wellness. Certainly our mental well being has an affect on our physical well-being.

Please don't take from this that every illness we have is related to some sin we have committed in our lives. Illness comes from many different sources. At the base of all illness is the fact that we live in a broken world where we no longer have perfect bodies. Because of Adam and Eve’s decision in Genesis 3 we are all prone to sickness and death.

Jesus, the ‘Big Person’ in this story, looks upon this young boy and sees the need for the healing of the soul. ‘Son, your sins are forgiven’.

What is it like to have your sins forgiven? 

To no longer be carrying rubbish bags of guilt. Well after the boys emotional healing came a physical healing. He was able to walk again.

In those precious moment where I have been able to be ‘Big Person’ it has been a wonderful blessing to see people ‘walk again’, to leave the paralysis of guilt.

I don't know who said this or whether I have it correct (you might like to correct me in the comments box) but I believe it was Martin Luther who said that the greatest loss of the Reformation was the loss of the confessional box.

Jesus comes to us and says
‘He who the Son sets free is free indeed’. John 8:36

Questions to consider and leave a comment.

• What are your experience's of a ‘Big Person’ and the area of confession? 
• How does Emotional healing affect Physical healing? 

Barry Pearman

Image by Rising Damp Creative Commons Flickr
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Two Ideas to Help with the Questions you can’t find Answers for

I have questions. Lots of them!   

I am coming to the conclusion that I may never have answers that, in my mind, will satisfactorily provide resolution to my mind.

People come to me all the time with questions.

They ask me about everything from creation, to sex, to pain, to love, to death. 

You name it and I may well have heard it.

The deepest questions, I have, are the ones that I might be too fearful to ask. (Like that? Tweet it)

We like to appear that we have our life sorted out. 

If you are a leader then you are supposed to have some wisdom that can help others along the way. 

For the most part I think I have some wisdom to share. Some questions have been answered and I have learnt some things that I know help.

There are however questions I don't have a nice neat packaged answer for. 

• Why did this person become unwell at such a tender young age? 
• Why didn't God answer our prayers for healing the way we wanted? 
• Why do some people just go from one terrible life situation to the next? 

What about the Batman Theatre killing where a lone gunman killed 12 people and injured 58. School shootings?

• Why didn't God intervene?
• Our did God in some way intervene and stop the massacre from being even worse? 
• Where is God when your best friend kills themselves?

So many questions. So few answers. 

Please, I don't want answers to the questions I have specially raised. I have some foggy answers, and getting the right answer is not the point of this blog post.

How do you handle questions that have no easy answers.
For some it creates an incredible tension in their thinking. A desperation breaks out that can create a demand to know. 

Anxiety, depression, black and white thinking. Doubts start to emerge.

We are not comfortable with ambiguity, we like things clear and true.

Two suggestions for when those questions nibble away.

1. Can them!

1. Get yourself a tin can, and as the questions come up write them down on a piece of paper and prayerfully place them in the can. Imagine yourself placing them in Gods hand to hold them for you. God has big hands!
2. Place the can up on a shelf and leave it there.
3. After a while take that can off the shelf and see if any of your questions have been answered in the intervening time. 
4. Add more questions when they come up. 

The point is to get those questions out of the Brain and on to a piece of paper. To let them go.

2. Hang onto the basic’s

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. Franklin D. Roosevelt

For me a basic core rope that ‘I tie a knot and hang on’ to are some powerful scriptural themes. These themes weave their way through the Bible. I have two that I cling to. 

• The Lord’s steadfast love endures forever Psalm 136; Lamentations 3:22-24 
• I am with you. Isaiah 41:10; Judges 6:12

Even if my questions are never answered, or they may even go on to create more questions, I know the Lord loves me and is with me. I don’t have to have everything neat and tidy with no mystery. 

Does your demand for an answer hinder in some way your relationship with God, others and maybe even an acceptance of yourself?

What do you do with the unanswered questions? Leave a comment.

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Barry Pearman
Image by David Hayward

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